The following is a satirical approach to a non-problem. The application is obvious. Mark A. Davis
For years now celebrities, politicians, and even regular citizens have been tormented by a growing scourge on our land. The Assault Camera. As you can see, the Assault Camera is a scary color, black, and has several key features that enable it to shoot farther, faster, and in more adverse conditions than a normal camera. The focus of this article is to take a look at some of these features that, to be honest, have shaken my soul to its core.
THE ZOOM LENS
The most distinctive characteristic of the Assault Camera is its huge, phallic lens. This lens is allows Assault Photographers to take pictures of flabby-thighed celebs and cheating politicians from hundreds of feet away, often times from a public street, where there are no laws regarding Assault Photography, into private property or beaches. These Assault Photographic Snipers invade the privacy of our nation's most precious resources, celebrities and politicians who do our thinking for us, in an attempt to reveal them as degenerate hedonists. We are not falling for it, America!!!
Just the mere presence of a huge ZOOM lens leads one to ponder several questions. Who really needs a ZOOM lens? Why not just walk up closer? Clearly the only purpose is to take pictures (which the Assault Photographers Photoshop at their convenience) from great distances. Also psychological arguments come to mind regarding the ZOOM lens. What are these Assault Photographers over-compensating for? Yes, I'll just go out and say it, these HUGE lenses are a key indicator of little or no penis.
THE SPEED
Not to be understated in this expose of the Assault Camera is the speed and capacity for shots these devilish devices are capable of. Some of these cameras can shoot at speeds of up to 10 frames per second!!! Yes, these are fully automatic shutter buttons we are talking about here. What if... What if only one picture could be taken with one press of the shutter button?
Unfortunately, having excessively high shutter release speeds is not the only problem we are facing with these devices of evil. They also feature incredibly advanced auto-focus capabilities that allow all of these shots to be in focus. Even in poor light. Thank God that that when JFK was president, these things simply did not exist... The humanity!
Continuing on with this thread of speed is the extreme capacity to intake images. An Assault Camera's film- or memory clip- is capable of containing thousands of images before filling up. Thousands of high resolution, perfectly focused, extreme range photographs of your philandering congressman or over-weight reality show celebrity.
Once again this begs the question, "Who needs this capability?" Who? I ask you America.
Just a few years ago we were limited to one press/one photograph. We had cameras who took film cartridges that limited the number of photographs between film changes to 36. We had cameras that required the user to focus manually, a time consuming process that was easy to get wrong. It was harder to get a zoom lens whose optical specifications allowed effective telephoto use.
But it doesn't stop there...
BUILT FOR A FIGHT
We've all dropped our phone or laptop or camera and irreparably broken it. It usually takes only a short fall, two or three feet, to do the trick. Not so with an Assault Camera. This writer has witnessed an Assault Camera being dropped from three feet onto an asphalt parking lot with no damage to its function. In fact there was only a small scratch to its magnesium frame.
These devices are built with space-age metals that allow them to be virtually indestructible. Professional Assault photographer Karl Grobl details how durable his Assault Camera is here. Pay attention to the photographs on this article. They specifically show how mobile Assault Photographers can be with their equipment.
Having equipment that works well on a sunny day is one thing, but these Assault Cameras have something your iPhone doesn't: built in water resistance. Assault Cameras have water sealing on all of their buttons, dials, and slots, which allow the Assault Camera to keep working even in the rain.
With this built in ruggedness is it any wonder it is the camera of choice for the paparazzi? for seedy journalists looking to catch 1/1000 of a second of a politician's seemingly inappropriate hand placement on his intern's breasts???? These Assault Cameras remove weather, clumsiness, darkness, and distance as our retreats from the prying eyes that want to see what they don't need to see. And we know what they need to see. Much better than you.
DEMAND A PLAN
The Assault Camera is only a tool for those phallically challenged, degenerates who "spray and pray" camera shots indiscriminately at the helpless, the innocent, the babes. The babes. We have tried "Photography-free Zones" and what did that do? It only made the Assault Photographers uses more powerful lenses. We've moved our questionable activities to the shelter of night. It only made the Assault Camera makers modify their wares to see in the dark. We've had enough! These evil machines are tearing apart our society. Even the extreme cost to buy an Assault Camera and its accessories offers no prohibition from people being able to get these things in their hands. They are too accessible. There is no tracking system to monitor who has one of these things. People are making money from the unregulated use of these devices. The time has come to DEMAND A PLAN!!! If we can only save one celebrity's reputation! Just one!
